Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
