Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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