I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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