I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
