my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
