I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
