It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
