Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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