Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
A+ Viking dick
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
