I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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