Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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