Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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