Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
