i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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