Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I should be sponsored by Trojan
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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