There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
