listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
