Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
