I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
