as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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