I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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