dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i love accidental penises.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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