well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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