I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
not ubering you a puppy
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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