im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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