some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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