He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
