I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
