too bad you live with your parents still
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
