2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
