I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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