Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
