Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
