I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
