so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
