Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
