Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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