She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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