Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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