I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
