So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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