Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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