Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
