did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
