if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
