She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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