He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
