I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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