Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
