I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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