Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
