My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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